Anchorman

The inspiring tale of a man who never let anything weigh him down. 

 

Dead of night. A shadowy figure dumps a baby basket outside a building that says ‘Absolute Last Resort Orphanage’ over the top (so we don’t hate the mother for abandoning her newborn). Camera pans in. We see it’s actually a lobster pot, to symbolise that this child is like no other. A glint in the moonlight reveals why. What looks at first glance like a prosthetic leg is actually… an anchor!

[CUT TO PRESENT DAY, WHICH ACTUALLY ISN’T PRESENT DAY BUT ABOUT 150 YEARS AGO. THIS IS SHOWN BY STRAW ON COBBLED STREETS AND GRUBBY ORHANS STEALING APPLES OFF CARTS.]

The baby is now about 25 years old — a man, if you will. The anchor still very much in place of his leg. Not only that, but he’s also freakishly tall. In today’s society, he’d pay his way fixing pylons or appearing on Channel 5 reality TV. But in this world, the only job he’s fit for is down the docks. (Not like that though.) He’s a ship’s barnacle scraper. His leg helps to keep him anchored (don’t excuse the pun) in the swaying water, whilst his height means he doesn’t drown. I know what you’re thinking… sign me up! That sounds glamorous! It’s not. The sea salt plays havoc with his thick shiny hair (both head and chest). And the barnacles emit an unpleasant odour, a little like the inside of an artificial leg — which, as we know, anchorman doesn’t have. So he decides enough is enough, and packs a bag of provisions for a journey. Dried fruit, beef jerky and a bottle of milk (which unlike the other less perishable goods, turns out to be a bad choice).

[‘HERE I GO AGAIN’ BY WHITESNAKE PLAYS WHILST ANCHORMAN TRAIPSES WITH ONE OF THOSE STICKS TIED TO A SPOTTED RED HANDKERCHIEF ON THE END]

He sets off on a quest to find a woman with a similar affliction — an anchorlady. There is a scene that’s meant to be funny (but isn’t really) when his online search for ‘anchor love’ throws up some dubious porn sites. Then, on Google maps, he stumbles across a place called ‘Anchor City’ in New Zealand. He empties his savings and boards a plane. Sea travel was cheaper, but with his anchor leg on board, the ship wouldn’t move. It’s cost him everything — both money and dignity (the ship thing was more embarrassing than it sounds). But he finally arrives. The anticipation is pretty much unbearable, mainly because this part of the film goes very slowly and shows much more of the journey than is really necessary but as it cost a lot to make, the director is unwilling to edit it down. Then he gets to the gates, only to learn that ‘Anchor City’ is more of an industrial park, and actually the HQ of Anchor Butter! He feels like a right idiot. Especially as he’s lactose-intolerant, as shown by a scene earlier where he makes a big deal out of eating dry crumpets so that the audience would remember the fact later, and therefore enjoy this scene all the more.

Luckily, he turns on the TV (in the room he’s now in) and sees a talented news team doing a report on ‘Anchor Land’, home to other anchorfolk. Best of all, it’s just next door! (The director having spent all the budget on the first journey).

[STOOD AT THE IMPOSING CITY GATES]

After quizzing him about his business there and “finding a paraplegic MILF” being accepted, the guards let him in. Once inside, we see that Anchor Land is from an even more bygone era — specifically, the ‘olden times’. And everyone has a limb that’s an anchor! Some an arm, others a leg and for one unfortunate man, his genitals (we know this because anchorman sees him winking at a lady and asking if he can “drop anchor” in “her harbour”). Then our hero spots her… his one true love. She has an anchor for a leg too. That way, we know they’ll be compatible as life partners, despite having never met before. It’s almost as touching as someone just loving him for who he is, but we can only assume they’ll get on better as they’ll have plenty to talk about, anchor-wise.

[ACOUSTIC VERSION OF DISCO CLASSIC ‘ROCK THE BOAT’ BY HUES CORPORATION KICKS IN]

A montage of them dating happens, set to music. When it quietens, we hear them giggling at each other’s anchor tales. “When I was oiling my anchor up last winter, I mistook fake snow spray for WD40 and everyone thought I’d been trying to shag a snowman… again! A-ha ha ha ha ha ha!” and other similar anecdotes, each as witty as the last. The final clip shows anchorman getting down on one knee (I think you can guess which one! The non-anchor one.) and proposing. Her face says it all. But just as a back up, we also hear her answer — yes!

[ONE YEAR LATER — AS SHOWN BY A SINGLE TREE GOING THROUGH ALL THE SEASONS IN A PARTICULARLY ARTY SHOT THAT DOESN’T REALLY FIT]

They’ve opened a store that just sells kitchen scales called ‘Anchors A-weigh’. Being so niche, it’s not a huge success. Largely because they came up with the name and then built a business venture around it. So anchorlady sets up a cottage industry focused on her real passion — upcycled home furnishings and lighting designs. She just can’t enough of lamps. And it seems, neither would the people of Anchor Land. Comfortably well-off and now past the ‘looking fat’ phase of her pregnancy, anchorman and anchorlady live happily ever after. Despite the audience never learning the actual names of any of the characters.