[CREDITS APPEAR ALL WRITTEN IN CHILDLIKE ‘CRAYON’ FONT]
As the
title is ‘Million Dollar Baby’ we know there’s going to be a baby in it
(obviously, or else it’d just be stupid). And so the first shot we see is a
ten-month old toddling about in a massive nappy (or however old babies are once
they become sentient beings). We think he’s a normal baby (why wouldn’t we?)
until something amazing happens. When his dummy falls out, he says “Damn!”. Say
whaaat?! He’s a talking baby! Voiced by one of the most versatile actors of our
generation… Mark(y Mark) Wahlberg! Already we know that this is going to be an
amazing film, as funny as it is ground-breaking.
But
having a little guy speaking isn’t enough to sustain an entire movie, contrary
to popular belief. We need a twist. And it arrives in the form of a letter that
results in our baby (called Clint) inheriting money from a deceased distant
relative (it has to be distant so that we’re not really that bothered). He goes
to a lawyer’s office and sits on one of those green leather Chesterfield chairs
that all lawyers have. There is a huge X-Factor-esque gap before the amount of
inheritance is announced. It’s a million dollars! Naturally, despite the
unambiguous title of the movie, we’re still shocked. His distant relative (who
is still not named so that we don’t get attached — a bit like a pet pig you
might go on to eat) is actually English. This means that due to exchange rates
at the time of filming, this is about £657,000 in pounds sterling. However, it
not only sounds more in dollars, it’s a nice, conveniently round number too.
Understandably,
Clint the baby is extremely excited. So much so that he actually craps himself.
We know this because he tells us in his man’s voice. He has his nappy changed.
Despite being able to talk and develop complex trains of thought, he’s unable
to do this himself. Then he runs/waddles out and sets about spending the
million dollars/£657,000 in the style that a grown man would (because he has a
man’s voice).
[THIS
NEXT BIT WAS IN THE COMMENTARY]
Mark
Walhberg got it written into his contract that one scene would show Clint the
baby buying copies of his 1992 album ‘You Gotta Believe’ by Marky Mark and the
Funky Bunch.
[A FEW
SCENES OF HIM FLASHING THE CASH HAPPEN]
One
particular scene involves him going to a strip club. The beers are flowing, a
cigar hangs between his tiny lips and he’s putting $20 bills in the g-strings
of the sexy young ladies. The strippers are loving it, pinching his cheeks and pushing
their impressive bosoms into his face. It’s all great fun, until you remember
this is a pre-toddler and realise it’s actually quite disturbing. We can only imagine the emotional damage that this is doing.
It’s not
even realistic as in real life, he’d get ID’d everywhere. To cover this, the
director makes a half-hearted attempt to mention that everyone assumes that
Clint the baby is in fact, Verne Troyer of Mini-Me fame. As a real-life friend
of the baby, Troyer actually agreed to do a belittling (pun intended) cameo
dressed as one of his shrunken baby mates. It added very little (again, pun
intended) to the story, but it meant they could add another name to the film
posters.
[MORE DVD
EXTRAS]
As the
film was quite popular at the time, the line “I filled my diaper again!”
becomes somewhat of a catchphrase. An extensive merchandise range was even
brought out, with dolls that shouted the phrase and then wet themselves.
Due to
its unexpected popularity, it also spawned 18 sequels. The first two did
reasonably well at the box office (Million Dollar Dog and Million Dollar Twins,
respectively). But the rest went straight to DVD/illegal download — Million
Dollar Mexican, Million Dollar Zombie and Million Dollar Jew being particular
lows in the franchise.
[THE
SERIOUS BIT AND ‘LESSON LEARNT’]
But
before all that, the first one needs to finish in a suitably upbeat way. So, Clint
realises there’s more to life than drinking, smoking, buying gold-plated breast
pumps for his wet nurse and paying Christina Aguilera to sing lullabies to him in
her leather chaps. So he invests in a boxing academy for women, as this fulfils
his three passions: aggressive women, investing in niche markets and big red
shiny things (the boxing gloves).
Some
critics hailed it as a metaphor for stolen youth as it came out the same time
the first Michael Jackson trials (the following three sequels coincided with Jackson’s
subsequent trials). Others said it was just a comedy about a rich,
boxing-loving baby.
[SETTING
IT UP FOR THE SEQUEL]
In cinemas
across the country, audiences shout in one voice: “What’s he doing now? A baby
wouldn’t do that! Aha ha ha ha ha ha!”. It’s essentially a one-joke movie. And,
as the credits go up at the end, we see clips of the baby as he is now — a
carefree young man running a business. He has a hot wife and toddler twins (the
signs of success). Then just as we think all’s well that ends well, the camera
zooms in on the twins who look at each, roll their eyes and say simultaneously,
“Oh brother!”, ready for the sequel.