Million Dollar Baby

[CREDITS APPEAR ALL WRITTEN IN CHILDLIKE ‘CRAYON’ FONT]

As the title is ‘Million Dollar Baby’ we know there’s going to be a baby in it (obviously, or else it’d just be stupid). And so the first shot we see is a ten-month old toddling about in a massive nappy (or however old babies are once they become sentient beings). We think he’s a normal baby (why wouldn’t we?) until something amazing happens. When his dummy falls out, he says “Damn!”. Say whaaat?! He’s a talking baby! Voiced by one of the most versatile actors of our generation… Mark(y Mark) Wahlberg! Already we know that this is going to be an amazing film, as funny as it is ground-breaking.

But having a little guy speaking isn’t enough to sustain an entire movie, contrary to popular belief. We need a twist. And it arrives in the form of a letter that results in our baby (called Clint) inheriting money from a deceased distant relative (it has to be distant so that we’re not really that bothered). He goes to a lawyer’s office and sits on one of those green leather Chesterfield chairs that all lawyers have. There is a huge X-Factor-esque gap before the amount of inheritance is announced. It’s a million dollars! Naturally, despite the unambiguous title of the movie, we’re still shocked. His distant relative (who is still not named so that we don’t get attached — a bit like a pet pig you might go on to eat) is actually English. This means that due to exchange rates at the time of filming, this is about £657,000 in pounds sterling. However, it not only sounds more in dollars, it’s a nice, conveniently round number too.

Understandably, Clint the baby is extremely excited. So much so that he actually craps himself. We know this because he tells us in his man’s voice. He has his nappy changed. Despite being able to talk and develop complex trains of thought, he’s unable to do this himself. Then he runs/waddles out and sets about spending the million dollars/£657,000 in the style that a grown man would (because he has a man’s voice).

[THIS NEXT BIT WAS IN THE COMMENTARY]

Mark Walhberg got it written into his contract that one scene would show Clint the baby buying copies of his 1992 album ‘You Gotta Believe’ by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

[A FEW SCENES OF HIM FLASHING THE CASH HAPPEN]

One particular scene involves him going to a strip club. The beers are flowing, a cigar hangs between his tiny lips and he’s putting $20 bills in the g-strings of the sexy young ladies. The strippers are loving it, pinching his cheeks and pushing their impressive bosoms into his face. It’s all great fun, until you remember this is a pre-toddler and realise it’s actually quite disturbing. We can only imagine the emotional damage that this is doing.

It’s not even realistic as in real life, he’d get ID’d everywhere. To cover this, the director makes a half-hearted attempt to mention that everyone assumes that Clint the baby is in fact, Verne Troyer of Mini-Me fame. As a real-life friend of the baby, Troyer actually agreed to do a belittling (pun intended) cameo dressed as one of his shrunken baby mates. It added very little (again, pun intended) to the story, but it meant they could add another name to the film posters.

[MORE DVD EXTRAS]

As the film was quite popular at the time, the line “I filled my diaper again!” becomes somewhat of a catchphrase. An extensive merchandise range was even brought out, with dolls that shouted the phrase and then wet themselves.

Due to its unexpected popularity, it also spawned 18 sequels. The first two did reasonably well at the box office (Million Dollar Dog and Million Dollar Twins, respectively). But the rest went straight to DVD/illegal download — Million Dollar Mexican, Million Dollar Zombie and Million Dollar Jew being particular lows in the franchise.

[THE SERIOUS BIT AND ‘LESSON LEARNT’]

But before all that, the first one needs to finish in a suitably upbeat way. So, Clint realises there’s more to life than drinking, smoking, buying gold-plated breast pumps for his wet nurse and paying Christina Aguilera to sing lullabies to him in her leather chaps. So he invests in a boxing academy for women, as this fulfils his three passions: aggressive women, investing in niche markets and big red shiny things (the boxing gloves).

Some critics hailed it as a metaphor for stolen youth as it came out the same time the first Michael Jackson trials (the following three sequels coincided with Jackson’s subsequent trials). Others said it was just a comedy about a rich, boxing-loving baby.

[SETTING IT UP FOR THE SEQUEL]

In cinemas across the country, audiences shout in one voice: “What’s he doing now? A baby wouldn’t do that! Aha ha ha ha ha ha!”. It’s essentially a one-joke movie. And, as the credits go up at the end, we see clips of the baby as he is now — a carefree young man running a business. He has a hot wife and toddler twins (the signs of success). Then just as we think all’s well that ends well, the camera zooms in on the twins who look at each, roll their eyes and say simultaneously, “Oh brother!”, ready for the sequel.